How is it I dated this guy and never saw his dark, cruel side? Well, time for my dark, cruel side. I’m gonna post the e-mails. Hang on!

On Jun 8, 2005, at 10:29 PM, Van wrote:

Steve,

Hey. I’ve really tried to be good about this, but I can’t. Volleyball for the last two years has been sort of a form of therapy for me, a way to just relax and enjoy and be myself. After our break up it was a way for me to connect with other gay men and sort of find my place in the gay community. And I know it might be juvenile, but your showing up has honesty interfered with my enjoyment of it primarily because when I said my goodbyes to you two Februarys ago, I had meant it as a goodbye, and I thought that you would respect that decision.

I know that I don’t own the groups and that I don’t have the right to disinvite you to either day, but out of any semblance of respect for me and what we had gone through, I would ask that you pick Wednesday or Sunday, whichever you prefer. And I’ll play on the alternate day.

Thanks,
Van

On Jun 9, 2005, at 5:10 PM, Steve Lekowicz wrote:

Hey there.

I’m sorry, Van, but I can not choose a day. You know I am rarely able to make Wednesdays, so feel free to make that your night. I’ll be going on Sundays as often as possible. I can not promise I’ll never show up on Wednesday again.

Out of a semblance of respect–actually out of ACTUAL respect–I have stayed out of your life as best I can. I have respected your decision to tell me good-bye. The only reason I’ve been chatty as of late is that you seemed open to a bit of cordiality. Ignoring each other entirely at the beach seemed silly to me. And your e-mail reply to me in December sounded friendly, as if we could at least be polite to and sociable with each other though we would not be friends again. In case that friendliness to me has been a front, I’ll be sure to not talk to you from now on.

I love volleyball as much as anyone there, even if my skills are lacking. I think it’s a form of therapy for us all. If my being there is disruptive to you, that is an issue for you to work out, not me. I can help you no more than I have to keep physical distance between us. If I do show up a couple Wednesdays this summer, I can try to bow out of any after-game trips to Marix. I have a feeling that was what got to you last night, and since it’s volleyball I love, I can perhaps forego the dinner afterwards. Again, no promises, but that is all I can offer.

–Steve

On June 9, 2005, at 11:42 PM, Van wrote:

Actually, this doesn’t come as a surprise to me. So I’m just going to lay it out on the line here: as far as the “out of ACTUAL respect” and staying out of my life, the fact that you’ve showed up initially to Sunday and now on Wednesday, we both know that the “best” you have to offer as far as staying out of my life is bullshit. So show up to both days if you like, so long as you know where I stand. Yes, out of my typical attempt to stay away from conflict, I played nice just so things didn’t get ugly, but you should know that by now considering I was always more than cordial to people despite my true feelings.

So like I said show up to whatever and whenever you want, just know that honestly I don’t really want to have anything to do with you, so don’t approach me…and it wasn’t JUST Marix, the annoyance definitely began when I first noticed that yes you showed up on a Wednesday as well.

Yes, it’s harsh, but this way there’s no room for misinterpretation…again.

Van

While last night’s post is still fresh in my mind, here’s something that makes me think, well, at least Van hasn’t come to my house and stabbed me in the heart!

I am bowled over. I can’t believe it. It just never ends.

The group I play volleyball with plays on both Wednesdays and Sundays. I have been to Wednesday volleyball twice. I never go on Wednesday because of work and all.

Since I was not able to play volleyball last Sunday and won’t be able to play again this Sunday, I decided to leave work a tad early today (a whole 15 minutes!) and go to play on Wednesday for the first time in years.

It was wonderful. The weather was perfect, if a little windy. Of course, I played like crap, re-injured my thumb, and won only one game. Or maybe it was two. But volleyball is so much fun, and I enjoy it so much, I can put up with my own inadequacy.

We played until after 8:00, with barely enough light by which to don our flip-flops. Then we headed over to Marix, a Mexican place right near the beach.

Van was playing tonight, and he was already at Marix when I arrived there. He was sitting two seats away from me, so in the interest of trying to be cordial, I asked him how our mutual friends Cameron and Doug were doing, since I never hear from them. To be honest, I have felt that Van is now a better friend to them than I am, and while I try to call and e-mail them from time to time to find out how they are doing, I have talked to them exactly once since last September. The souvenirs I got for them and their dog on my October Hawaii trip sit in my bedroom to this day. I dust them regularly.

Van was pleasant and seemed concerned that they hadn’t made much of an effort to call me. He even said good night to me at the restaurant with what sounded like genuineness. I thought this boded well for us not having to ignore each other at volleyball… at least some day in the near future.

Just now, as I sat down at the Mac to wonder when the money I transfered from ING would arrive in my Wells Fargo account, I saw an e-mail from Van. I thought it might be some note about Cameron and Doug or something conversational.

Instead, I got a request to, in effect, not show up on Wednesdays ever again. Actually, I was given a choice. Since volleyball for Van is a kind of therapy—and so it is, I might add, for every guy who plays—he asked me to choose, “out of any semblance of respect for me and what we had gone through,” Wednesday or Sunday, and he would show up on the alternate day.

“And I know it might be juvenile,” he said, “but your showing up has honesty interfered with my enjoyment of it primarily because when I said my goodbyes to you two Februarys ago, I had meant it as a goodbye, and I thought that you would respect that decision.”

I have done nothing but respect that decision. It has hurt me since. Looking at him at the table at Marix tonight, I realized, yet again, how good a friend he had been and how much it left a hole in my life when he left.

I even respected that decision way back when he was posting scathing entries about me on his anonymous-but-soon-to-not-be blog. He skewered three of my friends, one he never had gotten along with, and two that had never done him any harm. (You can read about this, in veiled tones, at the beginning of The Wren Forum.)

In December, I wrote him an e-mail explaining that I had, for one day only, read his blog, then left it alone, knowing it was not meant for me to read. I chided him for lambasting my friends, but also that I was sorry for certain things I’d done. I told him I did not expect an apology, since none was required. “I’m just writing to tell you that I did read what you had to say, and I understand, and I am sorry.” He wrote what sounded, again, like a genuine response to that e-mail. I felt perhaps the animosity and hate was gone. Indeed, he said he simply felt indifferent now. Indifference is better than hate.

So now I am sitting here, and I do not know what to say to him. I will wait until I am less hurt and less angry. Before, as this drama was unfolding at the founding of The Wren Forum, I did not post much in the way of details. By posting this, in fact, I’m breaking my own rule to be grown-up and not let my emotions lead me to post things about Van that might be considered childish or vengeful. He at least never said my name in his blog, referring to me only as S, and, sometimes, just mentioning things that some stupid ex of his did. (Perhaps he did this to maintain anonymity rather than out of consideration.) By posting actual quotes from our private correspondence and calling him by his name, I am perhaps revealing enough to infuriate him were he to read this.

He will not read this, I know. He has cut me out of his life.

So what do I tell him? Do I bow low and say, okay, you can take Wednesdays and I’ll take Sundays? Or do I tell him that, yes, his request is juvenile, and while I will remain a regular player on Sundays, there may be days that I, too, need my volleyball therapy, and if Wednesday fits, I’ll go? This is all so Fight Club, it makes me sick.

I do not know why I need to help him retain his distance from me. That’s his issue now. I’ve made my apologies and been respectful of his wishes regarding my presence in his life. Maybe the response I need to craft is one that tells him this. I already have the power to ruin his enjoyment of volleyball; surely it’s impossible for one stern but honestly-worded e-mail to do any more damage. Maybe I get to be the one who’s right for a change.

This is kinda interesting. It’s a Flash movie “authored” in 2014, giving the history of how Google becomes the dominant source of news for the world. Personalized, computer-edited newsfeeds for each individual.

It was created in 2004, so it’s already behind the times… Just shows how fast everything moves these days.

Why am I posting this? It’s a slow news night.

GOOD FRIENDS AND DEAR READERS:

Earlier today, there was a message here about needing to use a password to post comments (but not original posts). Ignore that now. I am trying something where you don’t need to bother with a password but spammers will, hopefully, stay away.

Thank you for your interest and time.

I was out sick yesterday, and got incredibly bored for a while. So I spent some time working on the new Wren Forum. Holy cow, it’s gonna take a while. I’m using WordPress, and while out-of-the-box it’s all good to go, I of course want the Wren Forum to look like The Wren Forum, not like some template someone else came up with.

I’ll be excited when I can get the new Forum up because it will be more secure, and it will allow Trackback and Permalinks, which you can’t do now. It also has an integrated search feature, and all kinds of other fun stuff.

Isn’t progress amazing?

On that note, there’s an article today about the Newton, Apple’s PDA from the early ’90s. There’s a movie included that shows a concept of a Knowledge Navigator. There’s no date mentioned, but it sounds like the video was made in the late ’80s.

Take a look at the video here (it’s a QuickTime movie).

Sure, we aren’t there yet, and it’s kind of amusing how the concept of cell phones and more portable devices like the Palm (or even the Newton itself) change this vision, but there are some thing that we can already do. iChat video conferencing is about as good as what you see in the video, and there are some voice-activated “helpers” available for cell phones that make voice dialing and message retrieval possible. In fact, simply having my Mac in front of me with iChat, e-mail synced from work to home, and the Internet, I feel like I can already do amazing things without leaving my chair.

Now the voice control thing would be great. Macs can use voice control standard, but of course it’s very limited. The day I can say, “Little Tigger, find out where I can get a discount on Oakley sunglasses, physical store, and then bring up my draft e-mail about Sven’s b-day plans. Oh, and play that song by Coldplay I like from Garden State. Thanks!” will be the day we have made it.

If you want to see the whole Newton article, it’s here.

It’s a small triumph, but I finally fixed the off-kilter “o” in the Click to Add button at the top of the page. Photoshop was not rendering it correctly, so I had to do a manual tweak…

What? What was that? You had never noticed? Oh. Well, I did. And it drove me fruitin’ batty! [NOTE: The new Wren Forum has no such button, so no, you're not going crazy.]