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My friend Jin Ah was telling me that her already fashionable daughter was worried sick that Santa would bring her the wrong color shoes with all the wrong charms attached to it.

“Don’t worry, he will know,” said the tired mom.

“But HOW? HOW will he know?” the daughter insisted.

“Fine, do you want me to call him to make sure.”

“You mean YOU have his number!?!?”

It’s so cute how kids believe without a shadow of a doubt in such things. How I envy their innocence. I never believed in Santa Claus. I’ve always known it was just a hoax to get kids to behave. Tho once I did put my tooth in a sealed envelope under my pillow – just as a test, of course.  You can’t imagine just how unbelievably dumbfounded I was the next day when I unsealed the envelope to find a shiny dollar coin instead.

A tooth fairy?? For realz??

My whole world shook apart as my mind raced with crazy and daringÂthoughts that maybe there was indeed some magic left in this world. But within that same minute, I also consider that perhaps my mom replaced the tooth in the middle of night with the coin in a newly sealed envelope - tho that was so not like her to go through all that, I thought.

So the next time I lost my tooth, I tested my theory by tucking away my tooth under my pillow - but this time, I did not tell my mother… or father… or sister.

Of course, it was that next morning that finally killed off any remaining traces in me of whatever it is in kids that encourages them to ask, “But HOW? HOW WILL HE KNOW?”

For those that have experienced the all-consuming pain of deeply loving someone who was almost right there with you but proved to be unwilling or unable to love you back in the same way – you’ll feel it when you see this movie. 

For those that have strategically repeated every word, every move, every laugh, and every step in each crafted moment together in hopes for that perfectly dealt hand to win that happily.ever.after - you’ll feel it when you see this movie. 

For those that have foolishly once believed in love running so deep, it could compensate any empty cups brought to the table by him – you’ll feel it when you see this movie.

My barely English speaking mom asked about Brokeback Mountain and when she’d be able to purchase it at her local Sam’s Club. My friend asked me to download an illegal copy and burn it for her because her pastor husband won’t let her go see it but she really wants to.

Yes, it was slow paced. Yes, it was detached.  Yes, it was intentional. Yes, that prevented some from being drawn in. Yes, its not a movie for everyone. Yes, some folks are just hop-ons to the band wagon.

Felicity Huffman’s Golden Globe speech felt like a spin-off from the Brokeback phenomenon. “I know as actors our job is usually to shed our skins. But in I think as people our job is to become who we really are. And so I would like to salute the men and women who brave ostracism, alienation, and a life lived on the margins to become who they really are.”

No energy to tie it all together.

I loved it.

Being worn out from the day, I fell asleep by 8:30pm, while screening a work-related DVD on my computer, and with my desk lamp on and bedroom door wide-open exposing my fully lit closing scene – Me in bed, cuddled with my blankets, still in my work clothes, exhausted. At one point, perhaps around 11ish, I woke up briefly and thought to myself, I should get up, turn things off, wash up and get undressed but instead I drifted right back to my dream…

Rooftops

… I was jumping from roofhouse tops to roofhouse tops (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon indeed) trying to find my way back home. I say trying because it was quite dark and I wasn’t quite used to the bird’s eye view yet so my path was unsure. Still, with no time to loose, I swiftly moved forward – with the belief that your destination unfolds itself when moving about rather than standing still. With loose debree crashing to the ground and dogs barking in the night, I finally made my way back to my room. Sensing that I might have an audience still, I immediately jumped into bed, not wanting anyone to notice just how hard I’ve tried in getting there. But at the same time, since I didn’t want people to NOT notice me, I deliberately left the lights on. As I waited and waited for someone to visit, I began getting frustrated at my dilemma. How do I let people know that I’m home without announcing it like the needy kid that I am.

Just then, I heard someone approach. I turned over. It was my mother… and as she has said many times before in my youth, she sternly but compassionately ordered, “Go to sleep. It’s late. I’m gonna turn off your lights and your computer for you.”

With that I woke up to see that indeed, my computer was still running, my lights still on, and it was now 1:30am. Half expecting my mother as well, I was dissappointed to realize that she was back home on the east coast and nowhere near to urge me to get proper rest.

And so I’m up now… wondering about my next move.

For life unfolds when you are moving about, not when standing still.

So – I do this thing on itunes where you change the official album name of a particular song to your own customized album label such as “Senior Year” or “2004 Summer.” This way, when I sort by album, I have immediate access to pre-set mixes. (Yes, I know what smart playlists are.)

ANYWAY

I downloaded AULD LANG SYNE last night and changed the album name from “Ho Ho Hoey” to “2006.” Writing out the TWO-ZERO-ZERO-SIX, I couldn’t believe that we were at the half-way point from the millenium to 2010. Wasn’t there like a movie called 2010 and wasn’t it about the FUTURE? and here we are with 2006 around the corner and 2010 not so far in the distance. In a way, our present is now the future. Blink and I’ve traveled through time. Of course, thinking this last night at 2am in the morning caused an onset of panic because if indeed we are already into our future, then woe is me that has accomplished so little to add peace and contentment to my life. Sigh! 2006 better kick ass cause I worked hard in 2005, mourned in 2004, and was depressed in 2003.

ANYWAY

In the true spirit of the holidays, I began thinking about my life and searched for those re-occuring themes. All I came up with was HURT. HURT never changes. HURT still hurts the same after all these years. You’d think we’d get immuned to it after a while. Especially, the HURT of people lettting you down or people disappointing you. And not just people-people but the people in your life. Because just when you’ve almost learned that lesson where you prepare your heart by expecting occasional let downs from those that you turn to for strength, acceptance, validation, and a good laugh… just when you’ve almost got that practice down, you get hit in the head with the darker lesson that the people in the aforementioned lesson are all you’ve got in this life. but this time, I don’t mean anyone in particular. I mean people-people. You know, people in general because there really is no one else, really, but falliable people in general. There’s not that better soulmate who will love you faithfully, blindly, and without logic – as if love was a religion in itself. There’s not that better first love who will let you let him go since altho he may love, he knows that you love him more. There’s not that better man who will refrain from tracking dirt unto your off-key singing because they should know that singing is one of the few simple pleasures that you have maintained to hold on to after 30 years. There’s not that better buddy. Not that better boss. Not that better best friend. Not that better relative. Not that better role model. At 30 years old and at the end of 2006, this is a cold lesson that I’m now having to learn on top of that first lesson that still HURTS like a mofo. Swallowing. Ain’t it tough? Maybe she was right, that Sheryl Crow. Maybe its not about having what you want but wanting what you’ve got.

ANYWAY

Been watching Little House on the Prairie. Damn, what a good show. Pure. A bit idealistic but very pure. I’m finding myself either welling up with tears or containing my laughter with my hands covering my face like the Asian boy that I am because its now 3am and the new roommate is sleeping. Notice I said “new” and not “better” Maybe “new” is all we have left to look forward to. Maybe “new” is the new “better”

ANYWAY

The point that I’m trying to drive home is that I miss you Steve and this is me sharing myself on your forum.

Random Matt Chun Memory of the Day
Category: One That Makes You Smile and Hurt at the Same Time.

In high school, not only was I a closeted, frail, and an almost-straight-A kinda kid, I was also a huge Mariah Carey fan and I was not afraid to show it. So when the coolest guy in our church youth group had asked me to be the MC at one of our regular revival nights, I was tickled with inspiration.

So much that I replied, “Oh and you know what, being the MC is perfect for me because first – M.C. can stand for Mr. Chun…

Hey, that’s right!” the coolest guy interrupts with a generous chuckle.

“… but it can also stand for Mariah Carey.”

In that moment of sharing my seemingly clever thought with the coolest guy, I remember feeling this overwhelming sense of – being. Being connected. Being meant to be. Being right. Being of purpose. Being the perfect fit. Being where I needed to be.

It’s amusing to see how a simple lame thought like that could easily make me feel that way but at the same time, it pains me a little and scares me a lot that I just can’t seem to feel it anymore.

Bait.

(so what now? wait 7 days before my phone rings?)

Is Linda and John still reading? I wanted to make a comment but I didn’t want to waste it unless it was being heard for I am at risk of getting called a dickhead in these territories.

Good night and sleep tight Steve. I want you to get good rest. I care about you very much and I just want you to know that.

So interviewed at this place right across the street from the federal bldg. If I end up working there, LOOK AT HOW close we’d be !!!

Then I can bend ur ear and talk all the time cause I swear I need to vent right now and even tho you’ll probably get my more upset by playin devils advocate like you always do, usually I always walk a way learning something or taking in a new perspective.

Where are you dude?

oh yeah, anaheim.

=)

Is this gonna be to us what “WE WERE ON A BREAK” was to Rachel and Ross?

=)

I miss you.

HAHA

Im just a smart ass…

Ok, so is it me or do you just look like ur drunk off your ass from peas in that one pict !

haha.

DUDE! FearFactor is having auditions tomorrow ! for couples, friends, siblings, what not ! $50,000! I need you to be my exhuberant other half. Come fly to the US tonite! I’ll see you in the morning… no? awe.

Wankers? Bar hoppin? drinking? Taking illegal pictures? Nighthaws? Tate Modern? The Berlin Wall? KGB? huh?

Just what kind of trip is this?

There’s something about being the first one here. No matter what happens from here on out, no matter who else comes along, no matter how different someone else’s post may feel, I’ll always be here because I was the first. No one can take that away.