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How could you even begin to support that nasty Tim Burton’s inflated ego and his belief that my classic 1972 movie somehow needs to be remade?

It is perfect as it is.

Why not just ask David Hockney to paint Van Gogh’s “Sunflowers”? There is no point.

The new version of the movie may be called Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but Charlie appears in the trailer for about two seconds. Mr. Wonka is at the core of this story — perhaps it’s Roald Dahl who got it wrong when he called the book “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” Charlie’s just one of the minor characters.

This link will allow you to view the trailer using QuickTime.


Mr. Wonka Expounded Thusly:

My Dearest Violet:

I take umbrage with your view that Charlie was not the main character of the book named after him. Indeed, the story is told entirely through his eyes, and I think, you spoiled little brat of a girl, that you are simply antagonizing us because of your jealousy. While I was pleased for the glint of fame the original movie brought me with its title change, I must be honest and gently pray that Charlie remain the focus while you, you greedy snake, return to whatever ring of hell it was that spat you out.

Warmest Regards,


Tuesday, December 14th, 2004 • 5:59pm • Permalink

Veruca Salt Expounded Thusly:

Hey! I’m the spoiled one, not her — she’s just a fat cow who chews gum all the time.

I must say, however, that I do agree with my ugly, overweight, purple friend. The book used Charlie as a device, but it was clearly Mr. Wonka who was the main character — just as Rebecca isn’t the main character of the book that bears her name, but rather “The Second Mrs. DeWinter.” (For a spoiled-rotten British 12-year-old, I am remarkably well-read.)

But that is all beside the point. Have you viewed the execrable trailer for the remake of this beloved classic? Tell me Willy Wonka isn’t the main character of this movie even more so than the wonderful, memorable, tune-filled romp we made in 1971? (Violet is quite wrong, by the way — the year was 1971, not 1972, but her gum-chewing has turned her brain into urine-flavored oatmeal.) Apparently we even see him on his trip to Loompa-land to rescue those horrid Oompa Loompa creatures from the misunderstood Vermicious Knids (who were, after all, only hungry). Tell me what our boy Charlie has to do with Mr. Wonka’s travels?

But I must stop ranting, otherwise I am going to destroy my beautiful hair and my silky-soft features.

Tuesday, December 14th, 2004 • 10:34pm • Permalink

Rodney Expounded Thusly:

What’s up with Depp’s teeth in this and that Prince Valiant hair cut? Gene Wilder will be impossible to beat – performance-wise.

Wednesday, December 15th, 2004 • 6:50am • Permalink

Gene Expounded Thusly:

Thank you.

Wednesday, December 15th, 2004 • 10:28am • Permalink

Steve (as himself) Expounded Thusly:

Okay, yes. I’m afraid this version of Willy Wonka is not gonna fly. I can tell Mr. Depp is giving it his all and will be very amusing, but he ain’t gonna be Willy. And I saw no Knids in the trailer! Where? (I loved Charlie and the CF, but I laughed more at Great Glass Elevator as a kid.)

We’ll always have Gene.

Wednesday, December 15th, 2004 • 6:22pm • Permalink


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