I feel like Steve Martin: "My toothbrushes are here! My toothbrushes are here!"

I have to use extra soft toothbrushes because of my brushing habits. I brush too hard and have, over the years, brushed some of my gums away. (Not enough to make me look like the Mouth of Sauron, however.) For many, many years now, I have been able to buy extra soft toothbrushes at Target or Sav-On or anywhere. Then, sometime last year, poof. All the retailers got together and said, "Hey, we can gain valuable shelf space for the new 24th color of the Colgate Interdental Plaqueinator with Sur-Tite Grip and Identi-Bristle ID System if we stop carrying extra soft toothbrushes. So let’s!"

There is not an extra soft toothbrush to be found anywhere in L.A. Sadly, this means I have to resort to the Web. Yes, I will now have to buy my toothbrushes online, paying for shipping and buying in bulk to save money and effort.

I won’t go into how difficult it was to find extra soft toothbrushes on the Web, but they are out there. And the slight problem with buying online is this: What if I hate a toothbrush? I can’t buy a dozen toothbrushes online untried and then brush my teeth with a crappy brush for the next decade. So my solution was to buy one each of three different kinds of brushes, try them, see which I like, then buy, like, a gross.

Today, they arrived. I have my three little brushes, and I can not wait to try them. For, you see, I hate my current brush, a gift from Marcy, who got it free from her dentist. I appreciate her getting it to me, and it served its purpose, but it was a horrible brush.

The cost for this three-brush experiment? $15.43. That’s $5.14 per brush. Ludicrous. Even in bulk, I will never get to pay a “paltry” $2.99 for a toothbrush again.

And that is the end of today’s story. Come back tomorrow when I talk about the bubbles of air that seem to be cropping up in tubes of toothpaste, lip ointment, and other goods so packaged. HINT: It’s a conspiracy!