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Exit ArchiveArchive for February 2nd, 2005

What is wrong with me? What is wrong? I was dating the perfect guy. Not perfect in an obnoxious Ken doll way, but truly perfect. He is sweet and kind and smart. He is thoughtful and caring. Sexy and together and selfless. Confident and goofy and sometimes shy. And I had to let him go. That’s a horrible way to phrase it, but that’s how it ended up playing out.

I am sick as a dog right now. Add this to the heartache of last night, when he showed up at my door with medicine and treats and ended up leaving without me, and I don’t know why I’m not at home in bed under the covers whimpering.

I do know. Work sounded like a good idea today. And I had to see the doctor.

What is wrong? How can it be that someone so wonderful is not the one I fall in love with? Is this not reverse of normal? The intellect is telling me I’m an idiot because he was the nicest and most attentive anyone has ever been to me. My emotions tell me it was not to be. But why? Why are emotions so fickle and cruel? Why does love need to be so unpredictable and uncontrollable? Why can it not come on command?

I’m afraid I’ve let something fantastic die an early death. I’m also afraid it was the right choice. These two things should not go together. He deserves more than me, and more than I was giving him. But it’s so unfair, to us both, I think. Unfair that his love and adoration could not be reciprocated, and unfair that I could not summon the reciprocal despite my longing so much to do so.

I held back my enthusiasm for him in fear of hurting him, but it happened anyway. It is so painful. I am so sorry, David. I wish I were someone else today.