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So – I do this thing on itunes where you change the official album name of a particular song to your own customized album label such as “Senior Year” or “2004 Summer.” This way, when I sort by album, I have immediate access to pre-set mixes. (Yes, I know what smart playlists are.)
ANYWAY
I downloaded AULD LANG SYNE last night and changed the album name from “Ho Ho Hoey” to “2006.” Writing out the TWO-ZERO-ZERO-SIX, I couldn’t believe that we were at the half-way point from the millenium to 2010. Wasn’t there like a movie called 2010 and wasn’t it about the FUTURE? and here we are with 2006 around the corner and 2010 not so far in the distance. In a way, our present is now the future. Blink and I’ve traveled through time. Of course, thinking this last night at 2am in the morning caused an onset of panic because if indeed we are already into our future, then woe is me that has accomplished so little to add peace and contentment to my life. Sigh! 2006 better kick ass cause I worked hard in 2005, mourned in 2004, and was depressed in 2003.
ANYWAY
In the true spirit of the holidays, I began thinking about my life and searched for those re-occuring themes. All I came up with was HURT. HURT never changes. HURT still hurts the same after all these years. You’d think we’d get immuned to it after a while. Especially, the HURT of people lettting you down or people disappointing you. And not just people-people but the people in your life. Because just when you’ve almost learned that lesson where you prepare your heart by expecting occasional let downs from those that you turn to for strength, acceptance, validation, and a good laugh… just when you’ve almost got that practice down, you get hit in the head with the darker lesson that the people in the aforementioned lesson are all you’ve got in this life. but this time, I don’t mean anyone in particular. I mean people-people. You know, people in general because there really is no one else, really, but falliable people in general. There’s not that better soulmate who will love you faithfully, blindly, and without logic – as if love was a religion in itself. There’s not that better first love who will let you let him go since altho he may love, he knows that you love him more. There’s not that better man who will refrain from tracking dirt unto your off-key singing because they should know that singing is one of the few simple pleasures that you have maintained to hold on to after 30 years. There’s not that better buddy. Not that better boss. Not that better best friend. Not that better relative. Not that better role model. At 30 years old and at the end of 2006, this is a cold lesson that I’m now having to learn on top of that first lesson that still HURTS like a mofo. Swallowing. Ain’t it tough? Maybe she was right, that Sheryl Crow. Maybe its not about having what you want but wanting what you’ve got.
ANYWAY
Been watching Little House on the Prairie. Damn, what a good show. Pure. A bit idealistic but very pure. I’m finding myself either welling up with tears or containing my laughter with my hands covering my face like the Asian boy that I am because its now 3am and the new roommate is sleeping. Notice I said “new” and not “better” Maybe “new” is all we have left to look forward to. Maybe “new” is the new “better”
ANYWAY
The point that I’m trying to drive home is that I miss you Steve and this is me sharing myself on your forum.
hoodlum Expounded Thusly:
You’re only 30? And yes, Cheryl Crow is definitely on to something. But then it gets even more confusing. For example, how do you know if something is really yours … or if you got it?
I suppose if you’ve had it too long to return it for an exchange (or cash back), then it’s yours.
One thing is for shizzo : 2006 is certainly, to all of us, about to belong.
And he wasn’t tracking dirt, he was just jealous that you were singing all three parts of the harmony.
G-Man Expounded Thusly:
Ah…here’s to better times, my friend. It’s amazing..during those dark times in life, how all-alone you can feel. My 2004 was a real son-of-a-bitch, but 2005 just wouldn’t allow it, despite the tsumani, despite the hurricane.
I hate to say it, but i think after one gets hurt, after one deals with pain on a daily basis…you somehow get a bit jaded to it…maybe learn a little bit better how to cope. But that pain never goes away.
I know you were intentially vague for certain parts of that post…but yet, I can relate to other parts. Take care of yourself and here’s to a better 2006.
Gary
G-Man Expounded Thusly:
By the way, “new” is the “new” “better” for 2006.
Steve Expounded Thusly:
I wish I had the mental capacity and time to properly respond right now, and I probably will when I get back to L.A. There is something that just came to my mind, though, and I wanted to put it down before I’m out of contact again for four more days.
I am very glad you shared all this. It may sound vague to Gary and others, but since I know you, I know what you’re talking about. Well, for the most part, anyway. I guess since we dated and are, perhaps arguably, now closer that we’re not dating, I can understand your pains. But I know you also know me well enough to know my responses to some of this, and I smile knowing you know I know you know that!
I sincerely, with all my heart, hope you have a better year this year, and since we’ve talked (was it only yesterday? No, two days ago), I’ve thought a lot about the hurdles you face. I am here no matter what happens. Share yourself here, or to me in person. Whatever helps exorcize those demons. I think the “new” focus you have for this year is, indeed, much “better” and you’ll be so much happier for it. Okay, maybe a tiny bit happier, but you’ll be in a better place to enjoy happiness when it comes along and finds you and gives you a big, fat kiss on the mouth.
I miss you too.
Sorry, I ain't takin' no comments on this page. Deal, y'hear?