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Derrick and I figured this would be the iconic photo of my visit. It pretty much captures it all.

Hot Dogs

(Click to see larger, bien sûr.)

This was taken in front of the Smithsonian castle. Fortunately, you can not tell how unbearably hot and disgusting it was outside.

Oh, and yes, that’s an exploded Mac shirt. Thanks for asking.

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This is how Derrick greeted me at the airport in D.C.:

Derrick greeting me at the D.C. airport.

(Click for bigger, of course.)

The trip only got better after this.

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I know, I know… I have not been writing much lately. This can be blamed on several factors:

1. Heavy work on the sitcom. Yes, that’s the first time I’ve linked to it on The Wren Forum. Yes, I intend to add it to my home page. No, I don’t know when.

2. The CCPT benefit, in which I got to play a sneezer, a doctor, and a 19-year-old boy who does not know anything about sex. I am so horribly typecast…

3. Yet another sales meeting, this time with me being more “in charge,” whatever that means.

4. A new boyfriend. Er… man friend. (Thanks for that one, Chuck.) Yes, I’m talkin’ ’bout Fuz, whom some of you have met. He’s great. I have not gushed about him here because I don’t want to jinx anything. I mean, we’re both Piscean actor wannabes. With that pedigree, who can blame me?

So why am I writing today? Well, to provide yet another amusing video for you to watch. Jim Coughlin, with whom I’ve done improv and who was in Food Code, is regarded as one of L.A.’s leading standup comedians. That’s according to a J. D. Powers and Associates poll on the distribution and execution of disaster relief funds in non-hurricane-ready, earthquake-prone southern-Californian states.

See him do a funny bit about feng shui and cockroach birth control. And if you’re following this link far in the future, it will no doubt lead to a page containing more than just one funny snippet for you to enjoy. Or to a 404 page.

To all you potential boyfriends out there, I have to apologize in advance. I know, I often wish I could have the comfort of someone to be with, to do things with, to share with, and I’ve tried to find someone. It’s been a dry few years. My searching has not been successful, and I know that it is my fault. But I have only just now figured out why I have been so strangely unavailable. I’m already in love. Yes, I just realized it, like a shock, and it makes perfect sense.

I am in love with Apple.

It sounds crazy, I know, but it’s true. Apple has been there, like a great friend, for years… hell, since I was a kid! Apple taught me to create, program, write. Lemonade Stand! Apple Basic! The 80-column card! Through childhood, through college, through the big move to L.A., Apple came along to support me, listening to me complain on my Mac via e-mail, my blog, iChat, making me feel happy with just the right kind of music at the right time on iTunes, letting me create movies and CDs to share with other friends, helping me drown my sorrows with online buying sprees… Yes, Apple was even there while I rummaged around the Web in Safari, answering who knows how many online personal ads. It never laughed at me once.

It’s not been a one-way friendship, oh, no. I have been there to give succor to Apple since day one, defending its honor and integrity, singing its praises to all who would listen. But I have been too blind to this new level our relationship could attain. That steadfast friend who helps me in just about every facet of my life tried to get me to see, gave little hints here, little hints there, but I was blind. Well, I have smelled the Aqua. It’s time to recognize my feelings, that I have always been smitten to Apple’s every Core. My love has been with me nearly all my life.

My revelation came to me this morning, when I was forgoing important work to hang minute-by-minute on every new announcement, large and minuscule, pouring out of Steve Jobs’ lips. Updated iPods. A beautiful and elegant new iTunes. The tiniest MP3 player you could imagine. A device to finally get all my entertainment from my Mac to my TV! iPod games! Gapless playback! A painfully gorgeous new iPod ad! Style! Beauty! Technology! Oh, sigh!

Everything Apple does is just about the coolest thing in the universe. Okay, sometimes it stumbles, but even its stumbles are infused with freshness, creativity, and effort. Apple tries! It tries so hard! And I have to admit now that I am smitten with such toils. It has won me over. I love it for its faults, I love it for its successes. I take it as it is. Isn’t that love?

So I’m sorry, future significant others. I’m too busy, too enthralled, too entranced to pay much attention to you now. I know it means I may miss an opportunity or two. The man of my dreams may come and go, but I’ll be too busy admiring the album art on my iPod as I listen to Sufjan Stevens, or I’ll be engrossed in my NetNewsWire, awaiting any hint of the Apple Phone I hope to get as a present one of these Christmases. I apologize for the pain my aloofness, my ignorance of your presence will cause. But love is love, and I’d be a fool to ignore it any longer.

I love you, Apple. I want to be yours forever.

Apples of My Eyes

As I have mentioned, I’ve been a bit too busy to properly post as of late. Yes, it’s “the plays.” What plays? Well, if you want to come see them, we open this weekend. Then you will know what plays. The info is below. I am in the first two, but not in the kids’ show. However, the kids’ show is right before my shows each week, and it sounds like it should be pretty good. So come out earlier and see it.

Sunday, July 16, 23, and 30
Saturday, August 5, 12, and 19

Saturday, July 15, 22, 29
Sunday, August 6, 13, 20

Kids’ Show: The Poet Who Wouldn’t Be King (also FREE!)
Saturdays and Sundays, July 15-August 20

All plays at Dr. Paul Carlson Memorial Park for FREE
Park is at Braddock Dr. and Motor Ave., south of Culver Blvd. and east of Overland Ave.
Just south of Sony Pictures Studios
Google Map Link (FREE)

Bring a blanket or some chairs, as well as some food to munch on (though there is a concession stand).

* * * * * *

I used to do work typesetting books for a publisher in Boston. That skill has come in handy quite often. I use it in my current job to make the text in presentations look good. I used it to create the program for the above-mentioned plays. And I used it to typeset both Sven’s novel and, most recently, my college friend Matt’s scholarly book.

I haven’t seen Matt’s book yet, but I decided to look for it on Amazon, and there it was. Then, while typing this, I wanted to see if Sven’s book is still on Amazon, and, lo and behold, it is. The typesetting for Matt’s book had to follow very specific style guidelines, so while I am proud of that work, it’s very, very dull to look at. Sven’s book, on the other hand, I am incredibly proud of. I think I did a bang-up job on the look and style of the typesetting.

Sometimes, tooting your own horn feels awfully nice.

* * * * * *

While doing the Amazon research above, I somehow mistyped “amazon” in my Safari address bar, and up popped this funny site: Wealthy Men. And I don’t mean funny ha-ha so much as funny what-the-hell?

Wealthy Men is a dating site for people who simply must have a significant other who makes over $100,000 a year. The site has a “Wealthy Men Verification System” to make sure the job, income, and pictures of each member are accurate. My first look around the site gave me the impression it was for straight guys and straight chicks with lesbian tendencies.

Yes, truly rich men aren’t gay, but truly rich men love it when truly rich women get it on together. Or something. It all made me want to reach for a Moon Pie. (Rich people don’t eat Moon Pies.)

Well, I could not let caste keep me from exploring this more, so I created a profile, lying that I make $100,000–$500,000 per year. (Why didn’t I lie big and say $2M+ per year? Because I do not think big. That’s why I’m a mere plebe.) Once in, I discovered you can put yourself down as straight, gay, or bi. What’s hilarious (and I don’t mean hilarious guffaw-guffaw so much as hilarious not-at-all) is that you can not do a search by sexual preference. Which, to me, is useless. I already fall for the straight guys as it is. I don’t need a bunch of rich straight guys messing with my head!

Aside from all that, it’s nothing out of the ordinary. Guess rich people don’t know how to write engaging profiles, either.

* * * * * *

While I was not a huge fan of Superman Returns, I was very pleased that they used the John Williams themes from the 1978 movie. I have been listening to that original soundtrack, enjoying how complicated but accessible but clever but awesome it is. Sadly, the CD I have was released back in the day when record companies were so cheap (glad to see that’s improved so much, guys!), that formerly double-record soundtrack albums, once brought to CD, were slashed down to fit on a single disc. For years, I never bought the Empire Strikes Back soundtrack on CD because it was missing a lot of music that I used to have on my album. That error was remedied a long time ago (and multiple times, I might add).

The soundtrack for Superman was always the same way. I put off buying the CD version for years because it had been cut way back. Finally, I broke down and bought it so I could at least listen to some of it.

Amazon to the rescue again! Yes, it seems a two-disc CD of the full soundtrack came out a while ago. The slightly flat, tape-hiss-laden version I’ve been listening to on my iPod is out of date; thankfully, the new one has been re-mastered and contains more music than even my double-album set from ’78. Hooray!

I am not going to buy it on Amazon, though. It’s $44. Gulp. I’ll wait ’til I get more credit at Amoeba. Amoeba to the rescue again!

* * * * * *

I really have to go to the bathroom. Thankfully, that will end this useless post.

* * * * * *

Yes, I’m back. And no, I haven’t gone to the bathroom yet. This was simply too odd to not include. It is both funny ha-ha and funny strange:

There are more of these on YouTube, but I haven’t watched any more yet. I simply had to put this up ASAP so I could go to the bathroom.

Nine days ago, I went on a first date with a fella I met on I’ll call him “Fella.” Today, he communicated via SMS that our friendship is over.

What happened? Why the compacted drama? I have no idea. But I do have most of the text messages we sent back and forth, and they make for interesting reading. I have removed names and numbers for obvious reasons.

He was a nice guy, sexy… but it’s amazing how intense pressure in this case does not make a diamond but makes, instead, just more coal.



First Date at Bossa Nova.

Fella      4/25/06 1:48 AM



Fella      4/25/06 9:43 AM
Morning fancy face! Thanks again for last night. It was unbelievable! Have a great day.

Me      4/25/06 10:05 AM
Good McMorning, McSir! Thanks for a nice night. Maybe a movie or more dinner on Thursday night?

Fella      4/25/06 10:57 AM
Sorry for the delay i’m in a training class for a new software system. Next.., whats up with this nice stuff?! Only nice?? Come on….! 2nd,..How about both?…

Fella      4/25/06 10:59 AM
3rd…You know you never have to ask.

Me      4/25/06 11:02 AM
Okay, VERY nice. 🙂 And yes, I suppose both would work just swelly.

Fella      4/25/06 6:08 PM
Thinkin’ bout cha 😉

Me      4/25/06
Sweet! Tiring day, and now I gotta do laundry. yuck!

Fella      4/25/06 6:27 PM
Remember to seperate the colors & segregate the whites from the blacks! (hahaha).

Fella is a man of color, so he can say such things.

Me      4/25/06
I believe in peace and love amongst all machine-washable garments.



Fella      4/26/06 7:52 AM
‘morning fancy face!

Me      4/26/06
Good mornin!

Fella meets me at work and we eat at El Torito. He comes up to see my office and where I work.

Fella      4/26/06 3:42 PM
Thanks for making my day fancy face!

Me      4/26/06
You’re welcome. Thanks for not valet parking!

Fella      4/26/06 4:10 PM
Valet…? You’ll never have to wonder what matters most to me.

Fella      4/26/06 9:45 PM
Call me at work if you get the time tonight. XXX XXX XXXX

I don’t think I called.



Fella      4/27/06 12:14 PM
I’m done with class @ work. Call me when you get a moment.

I’m at the doctor’s office now. I’ll call when I’m done.

Fella      4/27/06 12:25 PM
Ok. Hope all is fine.

We talk on the phone, and after being tempted to not go, I decide to follow through with our plans to meet up. I’m getting sick again, so I suggest dinner instead of a movie so I can get home and sleep.

We have dinner at Olive Garden in Burbank. We go back to his place and, despite my hesitation, we make out a bit. No, nothing salacious, I assure you.

As I’m leaving, hours after I had wanted to be in bed, he says to call when I get home. Or not.

Me      4/28/06
P.S.: I’m home.



Fella      4/28/06 9:31 AM
‘morning fancy face! Hope you’re feeling well. I’m in class now. Thanks again for a special evening.

Fella      4/28/06 6:42 PM
When you get a free moment i’d like to talk to you about something. It’s not an emergency, but it’s important to me.

I call Fella from Arclight, with 25 minutes to go before Matt and I are to see American Dreamz. He wants to know what my feelings are for him because he likes me a lot and if I am not feeling something for him, I should let him know. The conversation itself pushes me to choose that we not date, since I can not say what I feel for him. I tell him we have to finish the conversation later since my movie starts in 5 minutes.

Later that night, I call back, and I reiterate that, for the good of both of us, we’d better not date. But I definitely wouldn’t mind hanging out as friends. Sounds cliché, huh?



Fella      4/29/06 9:08 AM
Morning fancy face! If it’s all the same with you, i’d like to keep you in my life as a friend as apposed to nothing at all. This week meant a lot to me.

Me      4/29/06
I think that’s a great idea. I’m up for that.

I have ad sales for CCPT from 10:00 to 12:00.

Fella      4/29/06 10:32 AM
Shoot me now!! I misspelled opposed with an a!

I am busy all day with a variety of stuff. I can’t bring myself to text message anything.

Fella      4/29/06 4:07 PM
Hope you’re feeling better. On my way home from work now.



Fella      4/30/06 12:13 PM
Enjoy your game today fancy face!

I play volleyball, second week in a row! I haven’t played for eons. I forget to text Fella back.

Fella      4/30/06 10:50 PM
Good night.

Me      4/30/06
Sweet dreams.



Fella      5/1/06 10:55 AM
‘morning! Hope you clobbered them, yesterday, in your game fancy face!

Me      5/1/06
I was bad at first but was playing well by the end of the day. It was lots of fun!

Fella      5/1/06 2:01 PM
I hope that it’s not too much to say that i miss seeing you?

Me      5/1/06
No, that’s nice. Thanks.

Crazy work day. CCPT meeting.

Fella      5/1/06 9:41 PM
Good night fancy face!

Fella      5/1/06 9:46 PM
Hope you’re feeling better.



Fella      5/2/06 9:38 AM
…At the gym now. Have a good day!

Me      5/2/06
You too. Hope your workout was delightful.

Fella      5/2/06 1:14 PM
I don’t know about delightful but it was ok. Don’t get me wrong, the gym for me is only a nessesity. I actually don’t like it. It’s only to stay fit with aging.

Fella      5/2/06 2:13 PM
About this friendship thing; do you think you’ll have the desire to get together again anytime soon?

I do not know what to say about that. I feel pestered. I do not answer.



Fella      5/3/06 9:38 AM
Thanks again for a suprisingly wonderful time last week. you’re more than i could’ve ever asked for. I can’t say enough on how unfortunate it is that it’s ended

Fella      5/3/06 9:39 AM
Whats worse still, is i fear i’ve become exactly what i want not to be, someone you’re nolonger interested in getting to know. Another XXXXXXXX guy.

Fella      5/3/06 9:39 AM
And for that reason alone i must try & retain some dignity. I choose not to be a bother & let you go. It’s pointless to give myself false hope knowing the truth

Fella      5/3/06 9:40 AM
I’ve erased your ph# to keep myself from calling you. I wish you all the best & that you’re able to give endlessly all that you gave me in one night to another.

Fella      5/3/06 9:40 AM
Any man would be so lucky for you to allow him to love you! Goodbye fancy face. I still hear your laughter from our last night together. Iron leafy bars?The bed

Me      5/3/06 10:02 AM
It’s interesting that you come to that conclusion, because after last night’s message, I knew I was going to have to suggest that you give yourself a break and let the idea you had of me fade away until we could have a chance to hang out sans the overwhelming pressure. I understand what you’re doing completely. You can always call in the future when the “Steve fever” has left you. It’d be great to get to know you more under more relaxed circumstances. Thanks for the honesty.


Fella was perfectly nice, a gentlemen, and not creepy in any way. But I could not deal with the instantaneous pressure to be in communication with him at all times. I know what it’s like to fall for someone almost immediately, and I feel very bad for Fella because there’s nothing to be done in a situation like this. I could have seen him more, but I didn’t even get a chance to ease into anything, and that’s not good when the other person is already smitten.

That’s the tale. So it goes. When will I get to be utterly, immediately smitten?

Tonight, I was out at The Abbey (which you must know I find tedious) to hopefully meet up with a funny, interesting guy I met online. Of course, he never showed up—at least while I was there. We probably just missed each other, and the meeting, in all fairness, was only tentatively planned.

Just as I was bagging, I ran into Drew, a guy who I started dating a little while ago after we’d met first at a birthday party, then after he asked for me to be invited to a Friday night hang-out in West Hollywood so he could really meet me.

I ended up hanging out with Drew tonight, but our chumming proved what I’d figured out a couple weeks ago: after two early dates with decent sex, it’s obvious now he’s not interested in me physically at all. Which is fine, but I wish he’d just say so.

At one point, we’d moved next door to Here (really, the name of that bar is constantly introducing road blocks to comprehensible language). While watching the moving throngs of people and pondering why I was somewhat disappointed that, with a record two possibilities in one night, I was not going to be getting any nookie of any kind, I asked Drew something. That question I now ask of anyone reading this. Yes, consider this the first Wren Forum Officially-Sanctioned Discussion Topic.

QUESTION: Would all this [hand sweeping over the scene at the bar] still happen if there were no sex?

My first answer would be, “No.” Certainly not this kind of mayhem. Drew also thought the answer was, in general, no.

In all honesty—and it’s pretty amazing that I’m able to get over my mental taboos and admit this here, in public—I would not have been there this evening if there were no possibility of having sex, either tonight or planting a seed for some in the future. No sex, I would not have even agreed to meet internet guy at The Abbey, opting instead to wait for a sane location where we could meet and see if things clicked in a non-sexual companionship kinda way. No sex, and I would not have gone with Drew to Here in hopes that he’d want to spend the night with me this time. No sex, I would have been in bed many hours ago!

Of course, socialization is a factor, but if you just wanted to hang with friends and get drunk with no possibility of getting laid, would bars be as popular and as important? I know since I don’t drink, my answer is skewed a certain way, but Drew drinks regularly, and he gave the same answer.

So what are all your thoughts? It’s fun to consider, and there are certainly no wrong answers.


Now I feel bad! So you did not put any steamy (of which there were none) encounters (of which there were none) on your France site because I was reading your site? Man – how true it is that Mom’s can ruin everything! But I probably should not feel too bad that you did not list any erotic (of which there were none) fun times (of which there were none) since there was nothing to report, right??

Stevo. I loved the France diary, mon frere. However, I am severely disappointed that there were no entries regarding hot, French, man-on-man action with accompanying pics. Since it was a Disney trip, I just assumed there would be some homo-erectus encounters. Oh well. It was still lovely to live vicariously through thee.

What is wrong with me? What is wrong? I was dating the perfect guy. Not perfect in an obnoxious Ken doll way, but truly perfect. He is sweet and kind and smart. He is thoughtful and caring. Sexy and together and selfless. Confident and goofy and sometimes shy. And I had to let him go. That’s a horrible way to phrase it, but that’s how it ended up playing out.

I am sick as a dog right now. Add this to the heartache of last night, when he showed up at my door with medicine and treats and ended up leaving without me, and I don’t know why I’m not at home in bed under the covers whimpering.

I do know. Work sounded like a good idea today. And I had to see the doctor.

What is wrong? How can it be that someone so wonderful is not the one I fall in love with? Is this not reverse of normal? The intellect is telling me I’m an idiot because he was the nicest and most attentive anyone has ever been to me. My emotions tell me it was not to be. But why? Why are emotions so fickle and cruel? Why does love need to be so unpredictable and uncontrollable? Why can it not come on command?

I’m afraid I’ve let something fantastic die an early death. I’m also afraid it was the right choice. These two things should not go together. He deserves more than me, and more than I was giving him. But it’s so unfair, to us both, I think. Unfair that his love and adoration could not be reciprocated, and unfair that I could not summon the reciprocal despite my longing so much to do so.

I held back my enthusiasm for him in fear of hurting him, but it happened anyway. It is so painful. I am so sorry, David. I wish I were someone else today.

Flowers in a vase

Okay, here’s a pic. No other details shall be forthcoming at this moment.


I got flowers today. Flowers! It was so cool and unexpected. I can’t remember the last time I got flowers. It’s been a long, long time.

They’ll be perfect in the “new” apartment. But I have to figure out how to get them home sans spilling or mess or floral death.

So though he’s purposely avoiding reading the Forum, thanks, David!

iPod silhouette ad

I have always found this iPod guy to be incredibly sexy.

He’s just a silhouette.

Feel free to razz and harangue at will.

I got the following e-mail at Yahoo! Personals. I’m not going to make fun of his English, because… Oh, okay, I guess posting it is making fun of it.

Hello from Russia!!!
My name is Aleksey. To me 27 years. I liked your structure and I want to get acquainted with you closer. I search long attitudes, a constancy, I want to find an output to my latent desires. If you want with me to get acquainted I shall send you the photo.

How delightful that a seeker of long attitudes is enamored with my structure!