Back in July, I said I would not go look at a blog that I had found out was written by an ex of mine. However, after getting regular updates and direct quotes from it through others, and after hearing about a particularly vitriolic post regarding me, I decided to hell with it and visited to see it all for myself.

It is so painful to realize that I not only lost who I thought was a good friend, but lost him for good. It’s painful to know that I should have tried harder to be kinder to him. What’s most painful, though, is realizing that now he actually finds me repulsive. I’m “socially inept.” I’m a passive-aggressive “pussy.” Even my dislike of sushi and my choice to not drink alcohol are branded as pathetic.

I’m now an official Boyfriend from Hell.

I know it’s good to vent about an ex, and it’s good to get things off one’s chest. I’ve done it here myself. But to do it with such cruelty in public, even if anonymous…

It’s also okay for someone to cheat events in their favor. But there are some inaccuracies that make me look like a monster.

Worst of all, though, is he attacked three of my friends. I was shocked reading it in full for the first time today. I couldn’t help but wonder who was being a passive-aggressive pussy now.

I will never go to the site again. I saw what I needed to. I want desperately to apologize, but I also don’t want to be friends with such a vengeful guy. If he ever wanted to hurt me, he has. And in a devastating way.

I’ll see him again at volleyball this Sunday, and he’ll be friendly in a “Hi there” sort of way. But I’ll know what he really thinks of me now. How will I handle it? Hmm. What will happen?

So interviewed at this place right across the street from the federal bldg. If I end up working there, LOOK AT HOW close we’d be !!!

Then I can bend ur ear and talk all the time cause I swear I need to vent right now and even tho you’ll probably get my more upset by playin devils advocate like you always do, usually I always walk a way learning something or taking in a new perspective.

Where are you dude?

oh yeah, anaheim.

=)

Fair and balanced “review” of “THX 1138” based on Thursday’s screening — click on the homepage button. [Nah, click here.]

Did I mention Jeff is leaving his job on Friday and starting a new career in real estate? I’ve no doubt he will succeed, but it is scary like you wouldn’t believe knowing that I will have to carry the mortgage, the monthly bills and the taxes entirely by myself for at least a few months. To say it adds a bit of tension to the relationship is to understate things just a tad.

It’s now official. This is the longest that Jeff and I have been apart in more than three years (even when we were dating, we never went more than a few days without seeing each other). No, I take that back, *I* have been gone longer on business trips, but this is the longest that *he* has been gone.

Although I do find myself missing him an awful lot, I also am astonished at how productive solitude can be! This weekend, I have managed to get done almost my entire “to-do” list, with the exception of cleaning the dang bathrooms. Aargh. But I am proud of the fact that, with the exception of what I am wearing and he has with him, every single piece of clothing we own is clean! I also re-arranged the guest room, the master bedroom closet AND the living room. How boring a life do I lead? I won’t even tell you about the work I did on the lawn. But it was enough to exhaust me. Ready for bed!

Before Jeff decided to move down the real-estate route, we had planned to go to Florida for our almost-annual WDW trip. Even though we’ve canceled that trip, a DVD of Walt Disney World highlights came in the mail yesterday and I put it on while I did my chores. It makes me want to go again. Even though there are many places in the world that I’ve never been (and want to see), a Florida/Disney World vacation is my favorite. Yes, I’m a freak.

If you want to read about our last trip there, click on the homepage. It should put you to sleep.

Is this gonna be to us what “WE WERE ON A BREAK” was to Rachel and Ross?

=)

I miss you.

HAHA

Im just a smart ass…

Man, it sure is quiet with Jeff gone. Except for that damn squeaky toy Lucy obsessively plays with.

I’m usually the one that leaves — trips to different parts of the world, jaunts to L.A. The experience of being the one left behind is not what I anticipated. When do you go to bed? What time do you wake up? Who forces you to get going? Who is there to talk (or not talk) to? No, Steve, these are RHETORICAL questions, so there will be no answer following them … so don’t freak out about that horrible, trendy sentence structure. 😉

The guy is coming tomorrow to clean the carpets. It’s about time. I’ll go on an extra-long walk with the dogs while he does his work. And then I’ll come home to a quiet house again. Even watching movies isn’t quite as fun when you’re alone, is it? Damn, now I *really* feel isolated up here!

Things could be worse. I could be Martha.

I went to The Newsroom for brunch today with John, who was in town for the weekend, and his freind. We were shown to our table by a guy I met a few years ago. We dated a couple times, but then he went back to his ex. A year or so after that, I ran into him and the ex was re-exed, and this guy was single again. But I was dating. And that’s the last time I saw him until today.

Oh, but I wouldn’t be writing this if there weren’t more!

After brunch, I went bumping around Melrose and WeHo. On the way back to my car, there was the same guy, sitting in that park by The Abbey. I stopped to chat.

I am not the kind of person who believes in things happening for a pre-determined reason. I do believe that things happen and you make the reason yourself. Bumping into this guy twice in one day was not a sign of destiny, but I decided to make it a sign in the “life is wacky” kind of way. I don’t believe it means we are meant to date again or anything, just that, at the very least, I was meant to re-connect with a very nice, genuine guy.

I think I have decided on something:

I have decided to respect the privacy of someone I care about very much, but who currently does not care for me. Or at least does not currently wish to think about what it entails for his state of mind if he were to care about me.

Though my long weekend of drama and emotion would be well-capped by visiting a certain web page, I will not. Because, you see, enough damage has already been done. And I want everything to be better.

My God, that was so vague, I could be talking about anything.

Now, time for nummies. What shall it be: an easy-to-prepare box of Asian-themed noodles, or Cocoa Krispies? Yum!

I just accidentally deleted a nice comment from somebody. However, their homepage was a pharmacy drug site. So maybe it was a spam posting. Who knows? Sorry if it was legit, and not really sorry if it wasn’t.

To answer my own question from a couple days ago, I was not foolish. Though it delayed the finality of the breakup a bit. Strange. It was the most prolonged breakup I’ve ever experienced. Now I’m sad in a very calm, thoughtful way. A Zen sadness. But this, like candy in a nice assortment box, shall end.

In another note, I saw a friend in the play Wit Saturday night. I have never experienced a performance so moving by a friend of mine. I think it was more moving for me because, though I know her and could see very well that was her on stage, she inhabited the role so perfectly that I cried despite it. I cried silently and in a manly way, of course *AHEM!* Susie, I am in awe of your talent.

What an emotional weekend! I’m pooped.

So it’s over. What’s strange is that we’re still going through with our plans to hang out this weekend. Odd. I was going to say no, flat out, but I realized that after some crying, I was okay. I saw this coming. And I always knew we’d be better friends than lovers.

Foolish? Am I foolish? I’ll let you know later!

I’m finding out why blogs are so popular. This is not technically a blog, but it’s close. So I can say that it’s so draining, so draining to try to keep a relationship going. Even when you can not see past the option of ending it, you still try.

If you still try so close to the end, there’s a glint of happiness in knowing that there is/was something there worth saving in the first place, and that you haven’t completely been had. Whether it ends well or not so much well, it was good to have had the opportunity in the first place.

Boy, THAT sounds morbid! Well, a little drama on this site will add flavor and dimension. Yum!

I wanted to put a picture of one of our dogs on here, but the file is too big and I am too tired or too dumb or too both to figure out which program to use to edit it. It will have to wait.

I tried to post a message earlier, but the picture file was too big and you denied me. Yes, you.

Jeff and I had a fight tonight. A big one. Unlike any we’ve had in three years. Uh-oh. I don’t feel so good about that. I guess things could be worse; I could have had to sit through the Americanized "Office," too.

What did you guys do to me? I read Matt’s blog today. I’ve never read a blog before. I’m posting another message here. I am becoming a cyber geek. Next, I’ll go to Ain’t It Cool and start ranting against George. Sheesh!